Break-Up Bounce Backs — Karla Gonzales

Think of entering a war-torn wasteland in which someone detonated a bomb and sent your heart into bits and pieces. That’s a break-up. When many months, years, or even weeks ago, you felt like the inseparable Cleopatra and Mark Antony, this time, you are eating off the cereal crumbs from your sweatshirt and crying to Adam Sandler rom-com.

How the heck did you get yourself in this situation? The irony is when at some point in your life, you used to be so happy. Now you wonder if all that happiness is even worth the feeling you are currently going through. All that time and emotional investment are out the window. How and where do you even start?

To be honest, there is no cure for a break-up. There’s no rulebook, game plan, or even a science laid out for it. It is just something that you go through and hope for the best that you come out the other end unscathed, or, at the very least, sane. Like going out on a NASA space mission and hopefully finding your way back to Earth. One thing is for sure though, the process will definitely change and challenge all your pre-existing ideas about love. For this time, this journey is no longer about your ex. It is going to be one of the most important and intimate relationships you will ever have in your life: yourself.

Detoxify

Imagine your ex as a harmful drug you’ve learned to get addicted to. Your heart says ‘yes’ but your mind knows that being with your heart-breaker will do you no good. Like any psychological dependence on a substance, you are hooked, but, instead of heroin or cocaine, this one has a pair of arms, legs, and an imaginary pitchfork that just impaled your heart.

Just like any intervention to substance abuse, you need to detoxify from the relationship. Remove yourself from the environment or energies that cause you pain because it is totally mentally unhealthy to have a living, walking, talking reminder of your emotional carnage. Out of sight, out of mind. That’s the mantra.

Take one day at a time

Oprah Winfrey is brilliant when she said, ‘If you don’t know what to do, do nothing. Be still.’

Don’t expect to Margaret Thatcher your way out of a break-up and run the world like Beyonce. Take time to slow down. You are not expected to resolve any of this overnight. It is not a Math equation and there really is no formula. Going through a loss is not purely logic. It is a spiritual, psychological and emotional process that you just have to go through in its own course.

No one ever said that there’s a deadline in getting over your ex. Some people take days, weeks, while others take months or even years. It’s okay. Don’t be too overwhelmed with how long this toll is going to take. Just focus on being able to live through today. It won’t always be bad days. There will be good days too. And some blah days which just pass you by.

There will also be days when just as you were about to think that you are finally absolutely okay, you find yourself back to square one all over again. That’s absolutely fine and it usually happens to the best of us.

Don’t Apologise for How You Feel

Post break-up, you are a walking, talking and breathing lard of negativity. Let’s face it. You will not be voted as Miss Congeniality any time soon.

You feel like crap. You don’t have the energy to even fix your hair, do your makeup and pick an outfit that doesn’t make you look like Death. You feel like your life is a mess. Your room smells like something died in there for weeks and no one wants to be around you. Also, you don’t want to be around anyone. You have basically petrified anyone you’ve come across with.

In your desperation to get yourself out of this rut, you feel like you need to apologise for how you feel inside. So you try to act like Little Saint Mary Mc Sunshine, emulating the complete opposite of how you truly feel. In your frugal attempt to console the people around you, you put on a show.

The truth is, your real friends don’t need this pretend version of yourself, as well as the people who truly matter in your life. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone around you, you have every right to feel how you feel. No one else can tell you how you should experience what this is like. There were only 2 people in that relationship, therefore, you are entitled to 50% of your own interpretations, feelings, and perceptions.

The good news is once you acknowledge how you feel, at least you now have somewhere to start and build yourself from all over again.

Find your own closure

Not everyone is privileged to be given the courtesy of a closure. In fact, closures seem to be a thing of the past. The dating world has now evolved into more sophisticated viruses commonly known as Ghosting, Zombie-ing, Mermaiding, Breadcrumbing, and the list goes on. It’s like a year-round Halloween celebration with creatures from the underworld selling themselves as relationship materials.

Apologies, responses, goodbyes, and thank-yous seem to be things of the past and unfashionable. Instead, we get emoticons, Like reactions, or even Seen features on our mobile phones.

As much as you would like to think that the person you cared for would have at least the decency to end a relationship with dignity, it’s not always the case for some people. So don’t wait for 10,000 ‘I’m-not-home’ answering machine recordings for you to get a clue.

It has absolutely nothing to do with you. So don’t take it personally. Some people just don’t have the class or balls to end a relationship or at least express what went wrong. There are just some really bad communicators on this planet. Not everyone will spell it all out to you. Some people will just move away from a relationship like a fugitive heading to the Mexican border, or like an echo dwindling far away into the desert night.

However, it is still your job to make that decision of where and how long this person stays in your life. It is your choice how much of your time and head space is consumed by this one person. If you go around like a dog helplessly chasing your closure from someone who clearly doesn’t care about you enough to end it gracefully, you give that person power over you. That’s just keeping yourself in the bondage of that one phrase you’ll most likely not hear from a coward: ‘It’s Over.’

Let’s be ‘friends?’

This line gives mixed signals. Never ever think that your ex means it when he or she resolves to the ‘Let’s-Be-Friends’ cliché. Even if the relationship ended very well. Chances are, it’s just an expression to soften the blow so don’t take it literally. There is no such thing as friendship right after a break-up. It takes time and process for genuine healing, forgiveness, and potential friendship.

Hanging out with your ex freshly out of a breakup is like swimming in shark-infested waters with a grazed leg. You both pretend the shark is just swimming around, having fun, and minding its own marine activities, then Bam! You’ve become the shark’s sacrificial Happy-Meal. Back to that dark pit that you found yourself in the first place.

Around each other, there is always going to be that possibility of hurting one another and it’s pretty complicated. Perhaps being civil might be a more suitable identifier to aim for at this juncture of your relationship.

Break-up Wingman

Just as we have a wingman or wingwoman to initiate or push us into meeting people, we also need one in times of break-ups. Now, this select person must come from your pool of loyal and understanding support systems. He or she is specially designed to assess how you are doing, protect you from yourself, listen to your 10 p.m. random rants, and guide you in getting over your ex.

This person should preferably be the one who was with you during the entire relationship because you don’t need the gruelling inconvenience of having to tediously go back and forth about certain episodes of your relationship timeline.

Special Qualifications:

Must possess the diplomacy and moral fibre of a UN ambassador, as well as the patience of a saint. Other related tasks:

a.) Removing harmful objects from your hands such as alcohol, addictive substances, cigarettes, a sharp knife, a telescope (in case you feel the urge to stalk your ex), and a cellphone with your ex’s number on speed dial.

b.) Become the hostage crisis negotiator/ White House spokesperson for any transaction or unfinished affairs between you and your ex (i.e. claiming and returning of items).

Inventory time!

Returnable possessions should never, at any time, be sent on a personal basis. Remember that you are still going through the withdrawal phase. Agreeing to see your ex return borrowed stuff is like opening Pandora’s box. You are a train wreck at this point. Watching your heart-breaker symbolically return your stuff is like handing him or her a kitchen knife to stab you in your gut. Assign your trusted wingperson to come to your rescue on this one. Let them do all the negotiations. Your job is to stay away from your ex as much as possible.

Feng shui away

When you are going through a whirlwind experience such as a break-up, it would not help to be surrounded by the relics of your past. Therefore you need to get rid of all the sentimental items that remind you of your misery. Yes, that includes Mimi, the oversized stuffed toy you see first thing in the morning, that particular picture frame on your nightstand, the dead, wilted flowers decomposing in your closet, and the Valentine cards that are decorating your love shrine.

If you have difficulty trashing these items then at least keep them in an out-of-sight storage place, or you can also ask your most reliable wingperson to lock them into a secret hiding place until you’ve completely recovered.

As Marie Kondo, a famous interior decorator and home organiser, is known for her quintessential question, ‘Does it spark joy?’, ask yourself how being surrounded by all these memories makes you feel. If you feel murderous, then this is your soul giving you a subtle hint.

Press Release 101

If it cannot be helped that you ought to attend dreaded, social functions wherein everybody is literally going to interrogate you about your break-up, then you better come up with a short, general, and fleeting spiel.

At a family reunion, for example, don’t tell Aunt Esther that you’re seeing a 500-dollar-an-hour therapist and that your oral fixations thwart you from trusting men. Instead, just keep it short and simple, something like ‘Well, it didn’t work out. I guess we just wanted different things. Hey! Is that Cousin Liz at the sushi bar?’

Break-ups are none of anyone’s business. You really don’t need to explain yourself to a single soul. Sometimes, people are just prying for their own entertainment. The real keepers in your life won’t require you any explanation when you aren’t ready for one.

84960776_10221230028005383_6308834842133921792_o (1).jpg — Starbucks, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Let Shit Go

In cases wherein your ex cheated on you, it is sometimes tempting to pick fights with the one who stole him or her away. Nonetheless, you need to control this urge simply because it can hurt you more than you know.

Attacking the boyfriend-stealer with double-Ds and a fake butt-job will turn your ex into defense mode, giving your replacement more leverage in his eyes. What you can do to save your dignity is to let all that go. The more you put down energy and thought to a victim mindset, the weaker you become. The harder you move on.

He left you for someone else. That’s him. It is in no way any reflection of who or what you are. He may have his own reasons and misgivings about your relationship but instead of working it out with you, he decided the way out. He wants someone else and that’s just that. Don’t take it too personally. Instead, use all that frustration into becoming a better person. After all, as George Herbert once said, ‘Living well is the best revenge.’

Take the high road and keep your class. Sometimes it might be very tempting to ask what this person has that you don’t. However, is it even worth it? Being in that line of thinking does not give you any justice at all. You are you in all of your wonderful, amazing glory. You are not perfect, but you are perfect as yourself. What you don’t want is an imitation of someone else. One that you are clearly not. So if your ex fell for another person, hand him out straight away. No questions asked. Save yourself some grief because the real failure is to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

You deserve a love with which you are not in any competition. A love that flows freely and naturally, with a person who willingly wants you in his life, along with the good and the bad in you.

Avoid rebound relationships

During a break-up, it is very convenient to jump into rebound mode. After all, your ego is bruised and you want some relief from all that rejection. Your pride is gnawing at you so you think that having a rebound makes you look all hip, cool, unaffected, and indifferent.

Your replacement boyfie now becomes your statement to the world and to yourself of how invincible and powerful you are, an affirmation of your level of desirability at a very fragile and vulnerable state of your life.

Here’s what’s really happening: you’re insecure and your sense of self-worth relies on the idea of having a relationship. You cannot function on your own so you swing from one person to another like a clingy, desperate chimpanzee. More than likely your self-security is based on your physical appearance, pay check, status, or position in society, and being in a relationship is more like a box that needed ticking rather than a special connection you have with another person. You are an energy vampire who has no clue about the amount of hurt you can cause other people just because you want to cover up the deep, gaping holes inside you. Something is definitely lacking in your life that which you couldn’t fill in yourself, hence you are incapable of giving any genuine love to anyone.

The end result? Another potential relationship casualty on your dating record. Hence, the cycle goes on and on. So take a chill pill, Hun. Why don’t you disappear for a while? Go on a relationship hiatus. Take all the time you need during relationship intervals. No one wants to carry your emotional baggage for you.

Being single is one thing, being able to live with yourself is another.

Be Kind to Yourself

Keep it real and FOCUS on your life. Work hard, stay fit, eat right, learn more, read better, pray, and meditate. Do well. Whatever it takes. Elevate yourself in that frequency of positive wellness. Treat yourself how you deserve. Many times you need to see yourself from the perspective of kindness and value, something that needs rekindling from time to time. When in a relationship, people tend to get so wrapped up with the other person that they forget how important self-care and self-love are.

It doesn’t even have to be acts of pampering and foot spas. Delving deep into your heart and forgiving yourself might even be a good place to start. Turn yourself into the partner that you wish to have in your life, for you are your best company. Unless you have a twin, you are born alone. You were alone before you even met your ex. That means you were able to function as an individual, to begin with. That aspect of yourself shouldn’t change.

Put yourself in alignment with all that is good to you. That means people, influences, the music you listen to, the things you watch, the types of crowds you hang around with, and all your immediate surroundings. Jim Rohn suggests ‘You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.’ So choose wisely. Imprints and habits are hard to unlearn. If you are in a habit that is not aligned with self-love, then you will most likely fall into the same pit over and over again, attracting the same kinds of people with the same vibrational energies of self-harm and unhealthy life patterns.

Travel

Travelling to an exotic resort or your dream vacation destination to unwind is different from running away from the situation. In the midst of a painful break-up, people tend to lose themselves within the wreckage and forget that there’s another world out there, a bigger one.

Quality time with yourself and a little change of paradigm can help you rekindle your relationship with yourself. So start planning your trip and prepare for your ultimate getaway. Yes, I know it sounds like an advert for Expedia, but changing your immediate setting puts you in a different paradigm. Just being away from the mundane routine: the bed you spent your nights sobbing on, that familiar breakfast table where you used to have coffee together, the corner you pass by which reminds you of your first date. All of that heavy mental burden needs to be replaced by new experiences with yourself. Travel is the privilege that allows us to reconfigure these settings.

New Look, New You

Going through the train wreck of a split can take a toll on your looks. So you need to remember that just because you feel terrible on the inside, it doesn’t mean that you need to look like you’re on death row. Be mindful of your grooming habits and appearance because they have a direct connection to your self-image. Do this for yourself, not for anyone else. A new and improved look can definitely make you feel different.

Warning: Don’t overdo it. Different does not mean going down the Britney road and shaving your entire head bald. You also don’t need a boob job to restore your lost self-image. Perhaps a nice new hairstyle or a spa session may do the trick.

There are also other ways to feel like a new person. Say set a workout goal. Channel all those frustrations into kinetic energy by moving and exercising. Not only will you look and feel better but it will definitely improve all other aspects of your life through structured discipline.

There’s loads of options to feel like a brand new person. Join a dance class, sign up for a marathon, get into a yoga session, learn boxing, or tone up and hire a personal trainer.

Get a Life

The good news about being single is that you’re free. You have so much time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Start pursuing a hobby or trying out a new sport. Go out and have more time with friends and realise how much love you can both give to and receive from them.

Do the things you’ve never tried before. Explore! The world has so many interesting things to offer if you just open your mind to possibilities. It doesn’t have to be majestic acts of greatness like curing Ebola or running for politics. Indulging yourself in simple new hobbies like yoga, gardening, or joining cooking classes and meeting awesome new people will make you feel more productive than sulking in your room listening to Adelle for 8 months.

Laughter is the best medicine

As you start to feel better, you will begin to lighten up more. Once you get rid of those toxic energies from the past, you will notice an inner glow building up from within. Keep that momentum.

This is when you see the brighter side of things. A sense of humour takes you out of the seriousness of the situation. It allows you to see things more objectively, as well as more truthfully.

Humour lets certain hidden truths surface in such a way that makes them less powerful. It is the moment that you can joke about your ex, or even yourself, that somehow makes your experiences not as personal as you thought they were.

In stages of any grieving process, once you laugh, you heal.

Be Grateful

Being grateful is not the first thing that comes to your mind during the most depressing time of your life. However, you should know that there are so many things that you have to be grateful for at this point.

No matter how difficult it is, count your blessings. Perhaps you can be grateful for the ability to heal or the realisation that it’s better to end the relationship sooner than have wasted your time for another four years with the same outcome.

Perhaps you can also give thanks for all the lessons you’ve learned from your experience or the resilience that you thought you never had. You can be grateful for the friends who supported you or for merely the opportunity to see the raw parts of you you never thought you had.

Queen Mary’s Rose Gardens, The Regent’s Park, London

Love

The real shame is not the loss of a loved one but losing the capacity to love. There is no assurance that you will be emotionally bulletproof from the pain this time, nor would you find someone special again, but opening yourself to love, in its many forms, is a sign of growth, healing, and maturity.

The hurt you felt was from how immensely and deeply capable you are of love. It should never make you stop though. The world offers many things to love. They may not always be in the form of giddy hopeless romanticism. Be it in the form of love for your family, your pet, the wonderful people around you, your work, hobbies or perhaps just humanity in general.

As Max Ehrmann wrote in his famous poem, ‘Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.’

Ultimately, there is no shortcut to recovery. The only thing that you can do is to help yourself get through. Break-ups may not always be your fault, but it is your responsibility to fix yourself from the wreckage. Whether you like it or not, you have to do the work.

Once you’re okay, you will look back and be amazed at the bunch of lessons you never saw before. You will also develop a more intact, genuine, and gentle relationship with yourself.

Therefore, not all was lost, for just as the renowned author, Elisabeth Kübbler-Ross had put it,

‘The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.’

Mayfield Lavender Farm, Banstead , England 2019